State of the Planet
If Big Brother says 2 + 2 = 5, does that make it so? The state of New Mexico likely has no objections, as they're now considering going over the heads of the International Astronomical Union and deciding that whatever the rest of the world may believe, Pluto will always be a planet in the American Southwest. A joint memorial introduced by representative Joni Marie Gutierrez concludes, "be it resolved by the legislature of the State of New Mexico that, as Pluto passes overhead through New Mexico's excellent night skies, it be declared a planet and that March 13, 2007 be declared 'Pluto Planet Day' at the legislature." Ignoring the dwarf planet's spherical shape and skirting the issue of orbit clearing, the memorial notes that Pluto has been recognized as a planet for 75 years, it has three moons, its diameter is large, and its discoverer spent a longtime in—where else?—New Mexico. The measure appears to have been temporarily tabled, but perhaps sometime this week, New Mexico will celebrate the planet-that-was as the planet-that-still-is.
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Head in the Sand
In a world of endangered biodiversity, randy animals are key to sustaining our planet's health. So what a shame it was when Gustav the German ostrich suddenly lost his healthy lust for the lady birds. What was the cause of this distressing state of mind? According to a lawsuit filed by farmer Rico Gabel, three teenage boys set off firecrackers near the farm, scaring Gustav and spurring a six month depression during which an apathetic Gustav refused to breed with his two female partners. Although Gustav did eventually learn to love anew, the farmer is seeking damages for the little ostriches he would have gained during the six months of Gustav's celibacy. Gabel asserts that 14 young 'uns would have been born during the period, each one worth about $460. The suit will be heard this week. Hey, as sad as it is for the farmer, at least Gustav's not a panda.
The Right to Bear Arms
Speaking of foiled panda sex (and aren't we always?), a new obstacle has arisen in the collective love life of China's national treasure. No, Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui are no more celibate than usual. But since wild giant panda Niu Niu lost a paw in a fight, she has not been able to balance herself well enough to stand up, and she therefore cannot mate with potential suitors. Nui Nui also can't feed herself, since she needs both paws to grasp the bamboo. Staff at the rescue center in Shaanxi province are attempting to get Nui Nui an artificial leg. Prosthetic manufacturers from around the globe are invited to participate, and local producers have flocked to examine the panda. The center hopes that one day in the near future, a four-limbed Nui Nui will return to the wild for an independent life of eating and mating. Good luck, Nui Nui, a little disability need not cripple your sex life.