MAGGIE WITTLIN Column Archive
Love Sick
Ladies, when you and your man make sweet, sweet love, do you swoon, feel you can barely catch your breath, and start to get warm and tingly in your nether regions? In other words, do you experience dizziness, have trouble breathing, and feel uncomfortable burning or itching sensations in your genitals? If so, you may be allergic to your boy's lovin'. Yes, according to David J. Resnick, acting director of the allergy division of New York Presbyterian Hospital, women can be allergic to their partners' semen. Women with milder allergies may experience genital itching burning and swelling, but some ladies may react more severely. Those who break out in hives and have trouble breathing should keep an epi pen on hand, Resnick says. Also, while some are allergic to the entire male sex, some women have antibodies that only recognize their own unlucky partner.
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But do not fear, sensitive girls, there is a treatment for this hideous malady, and I think your man will be pleased with the prescription: more sex. Under the guidance of a doctor—don't try it on your own—you can gradually increase your exposure to your partner's semen and decrease your sensitivity. One treatment consists of allergy shots containing small doses of your man's semen. In the other treatment, called "intravaginal seminal graded challenge," doctors introduce increasing amounts of semen into the woman's vagina over the course of several hours. In both treatments, the couple is required to have sex at least two or three times a week. Couples who are not up to the task need to keep a frozen seed vault so the woman can treat herself.
Songs in the Key of Sea
Scientists trained a new group of super-high-range vocalists: dolphins. While some researchers have claimed that combining rhythm and vocalization is a process unique to people, it turns out that dolphins have the capacity to sing sweet melodies. To demonstrate this, researchers taught a dolphin to sing the greatest musical composition of our age: the theme from "Batman." They trained an adult male bottlenose dolphin from Disney's Epcot Center, first rewarding him when he produced the correct rhythm, then when he vocalized the rhythm, and finally when he also produced the correct pitch. Best of all, the dolphin sang on cue whenever he saw a Batman doll. Scientists say that the dolphins probably don't realize they're singing music, per se, but this ability may indicate that rhythm is an important aspect of dolphin communication. Still, since this was a year ago, I fully expect that the dolphin is now singing the Queen of the Night aria from The Magic Flute. Or at least a little Sinatra.
A Panda Hugginkiss
Chuang Chuang is going through puberty, but nobody's yet given him "the talk." The six-year-old panda has been living in a Thai zoo with five-year-old Lin Hui since 2003, but he still hasn't made a move on the cute girl next door. So zookeepers are going to give Chuang Chuang a little prodding: Chuang Chuang will be allowed to watch hot panda porn on a large screen. The zoo's panda project chief said that the videos should teach Chuang Chuang about the birds and the bees and give him some ideas about Lin Hui. For maximal effect, Chuang Chuang will watch the videos when zookeepers think he might be feeling randy, and he will not be able to spend time with Lin Hui during his December training period. He will, however, occasionally be permitted to lay his eyes on the prize.
Young and Foolish?
"'Tyler' this, and 'Tyler' that! If Tyler jumped off a bridge, would you?"