MAGGIE WITTLIN Column Archive
The Strong, Silent Type
Hawaiian field crickets are just now learning to use one of the greatest known tools for picking up chicks: the wingman. But these wingmen aren't friends looking to help out, but rather males with wings shaped appropriately for making mating calls. Many male crickets have a mutation that renders them unable to make mating calls. So, these crickets huddle to within a centimeter of calling crickets and scoop up females who fly toward their buddy's noise. Hawaiian field crickets were once defined by their mating calls, but recently a parasite, the small fly Ormia ochracea, has been using extremely sensitive hearing to find calling male crickets, so they can deposit their larvae on the crickets' backs. The larvae then dig into their host and eat the cricket from the inside out within about a week. As a result, the recent cricket mutation, which changes the shape of the insec''s wing so it cannot make noise, has taken hold in the population. Normal-winged males have parastie-infestation rates of more than 30 percent, but of the 121 males with the non-calling mutation observed by researchers, only one became infested.
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Illusion of Math Shows Duration of Chemistry
The worth of The New York Times's least valuable op-ed columnist just appreciated. John Tierney has made a priceless contribution to the great field of science. He and Geek Logik author Garth Sundem have created a foolproof formula for the probability that a celebrity couple will stay together for a given number of years. The columnist and the author analyzed past celebrity marriages, comparing failures to long-term successes, to see which factors give couples a greater likelihood of making it. They came up with the Sundem/Tierney Unified Celebrity Theory, published in the non-peer reviewed journal, where Tierney's column appears. The equation takes into account the couples' ages—older is better; closeness in age is better. It also factors in the number of Google hits they get—fewer is better, and fewer for the woman than the man is better. Other pieces to the formula include how long they knew each other before getting married, number of previous marriages, and the sex-symbol factor—the number of her first five Google hits that show her in suggestive attire. The columnist and his coauthor give Tom and Katie an 8 percent chance of lasting five years, if they get married. Britney and Kevin have only a 1 percent chance of making it to their fifth.
Gu Gu Goes Gaga
Once bitten twice shy? Not if you're 35-year-old Zhang Xinyan. Zhang was twice bitten by a six-year-old panda named Gu Gu, and he wasn't shy at all—about biting the bear right back. Last Wednesday, Zhang drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the Beijing Zoo before wandering over to the animal's enclosure. He had a sudden urge to touch the panda, so he jumped in with Gu Gu, who was sleeping at the time. The panda awoke, startled, and bit Zhang on the leg. Zhang, who had already demonstrated he was not in his most rational mind, kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. Zhang retaliated by biting Gu Gu on the back. He later remarked that the bear's "skin was quite thick." Zookeepers managed to get Gu Gu under control, and they report that the panda is healthy.
Wife Stiffs First Penis Transplant
While doctors were cocky about their success during the first ever penis transplant, their pride soon petered out: Physiologically-speaking, the transplant was a triumph, but due to psychological problems, the penis recipient had to part with his new member. The organ had achieved a rich blood flow and was functioning normally, but according to the performing surgeon, Dr. Hu, "Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off."